I feel like writing this morning. I feel like letting every one know that I’m not feeling too good about staying home while he’s out there in some huge truck. Like, I don’t pay crazy amounts of money for my stupid insurance to be sitting around the apartment all morning waiting for clothes to dry because that’s the safe thing to do. No… I pay for insurance because if something happens to me, well, you know.

I love my sisters. Joan can never have another older sister. I’m her only one. So I will never ever give up on her. Even though it seems like I’m not trying hard enough, I really do think about her everyday. I totally understand what the church has to go through to convince people that Jesus is the way.You have to relate to the lost ones. You have to support the lost ones. You have to prove to them that everything will be better than how they are living right now because they will have joy. 

I think that’s what I miss when I’m around Damion. My joy. My aunt Diane told me that when I go to New York that I will need to find and keep my peace because that’s what Jesus does for me..gives me peace… I need to just relax and do what I need to do to keep that joyful feeling.

I think I should disobey my grandmother’s wish for me to stay in the apartment because it’s not fair that I have to be unhappy Again just because someone is trying to protect me.

I noticed that my family is always arguing and bickering because they are fighting for control. My grandmother would tell me stories of conversations she had when she was down south…she would be exaggerating like heck. She would make herself sound polite with good intentions…because she doesn’t realize that people notice she wants to dominate and control everything. That’s why she will tell everyone some business that shouldn’t be told to everyone.

One thing I wished in high school was that I never let my family control anything I do. Their control over me pained me so much that I didn’t want to have friends because I didn’t want to disappoint any one the way I felt disappointed everyday.

Today… this morning… Damion finally got to drive a big truck…and they didn’t get him any help…

His iphone is messed up to the point where his GPS isn’t working…so I wanted to help the best way I knew how: looking up all the addresses…but he invited me to ride in the truck to give directions…

Damion has been telling since day one that I should always be honest with my family and let them know where I am and how I’m feeling or what I’m doing…I always thought…fuck them who don’t show they care: they don’t call me, I don’t call them: we’re even…but he said…use a forgiving and loving heart to keep them in my life because it’s a dark feeling to be all alone in the world…

Thank you Damion. You seem like the only person I know who has actual decent sense of thinking.

I started being more open with my grandmother…not exactly the right person to be totally one hundred percent honest with because she obviously has a big ass mouth. There are no such things as secrets with her. That’s why I have to keep her wondering, keep her assuming, because in the end, the real facts and real details won’t even matter. But I decided, since I live with my grandmother, I might as well tell her some shit. Real shit only.

I told her that I was going to help Damion. But I shouldn’t have done that….
Now Damion probably thinks that every time he needs help, no one is even around to help. He probably thinks that he’s getting the tail of the deals because his company is doing him wrong. And here I am..feeling super responsible for it all. 

Maggie y Rabbie (Taken with instagram)

Taken with instagram

If I told you I wanted to talk to you,

You know, You’d think I’m try’na holla at you.

And maybe I am but, You wouldn’t hear me out anyways would you?

Rather lose love than to move on never knowing what it feel like. Short days, long nights, By the phone, no call. Need a clear mind cause I been blind, got me goin’ down that road. Heart made of stone, Far away from home, Black woman you cold. Every problem that you ever had with another man I gotta face. Started off on thin ice, I’m still here but I can’t skate. Slow sink, cant breathe, no remorse, don’t think. Listen to your friend, get another man for a minute then repeat. Queen, you deserve the title but she rejects what I give, while she nurse the wounds by them. Tried them, didnt work, Got impossible standards, Nothing I’ma do is gone work. Diary of a black girl.
(

Black girl,
Raised by a mama who, who, Hates her baby father so, so She dont have a problem with, with, Saying fuck a nigga Quick, quick. I’m just tryna be the one who never run, but you run away from me. Your girlfriend’s man cheat, cheat, Why not me the same thing? She can’t see in me, what i see in her. This pain she inherit can’t be reversed. I can’t even stay living in the shade of all the motherfuckers that played ya. The irony in that is that I aint’t even that, but you put it those pages. Wife, you deserve the label but, you been hurt before so you sore and don’t feel you able. Tried them, didn’t work. Got impossible standards. Nothing that I ever do work, Diary of a black girl….
 
See all I ever wanna do is be relevant. Just tell me that I ever meant anything, Or that you could ever see me and you in another light. But it’s like the dark woman indures the darkest nights by the wrong man, And mostly all of them have made you somewhat incapable of a first impression. What I do is I channel my aggression with no cable or antenna, Just intentions to impress you, if capable, Hoping that the material possessions can materialize to a better you… Cars, nothing I drive can drive you out of this frame of mind. with such a ugly picture in it. And, Money, nothing I buy can buy me more time for your ears to tell your heart to listen to it. Diamonds, a girl’s best friend is what they say, but believe me with the right allegience shorty you gone shine anyways. And everyday that goes by is a couple more lines in her diary. The day before is better than the present, so anyone presented in her presence endures these life sentences. No key for release, no reason to be around. Her mind’s in the clouds. She writes it all down…. In her diary….

 I wonder why, I sit and cry, Wish I could share all my tears, Im down and out, I’ll keep it moving and try to get out, I dont know how to move on, Where I went wrong, Wish I could live with no fear, Im so down and out, I’ll keep it moving and tryna get out, Somehow, Somehow

We were walking up and down

Mid town; read new poetry.

fbcs1:

Wale 2

pddavid:

Took my heart away from money

Ain’t interested in fame

And I pray that never change

Ambition is priceless

It’s something that’s in your veins

And I put that on my name.